The Unnamable: The Necronomicon, One Breast, and a Dangerous Mission to Rescue Our Basketball

When I was a kid, my best friend lived next door to a very strange family. It was two men, and I am still unclear on the relationship between them, but I am fairly positive it was a father and son. We were sort of spooked by them, as their behavior was rather creepy. It wasn't uncommon to find the older of the two men somewhere around town sleeping or resting under a lamp post. He would also drive around on his bike and root around people's trash on the curb. More than often he would some “gems” and drive them back to his house. The younger one used to drive around in a shitty beat-up rusted truck and do the same, (he would handle the bigger items, since his questionable father, was on a bike). Our folks used to joke they were like the real life Samford and Son, but white.

The real creepy thing theses guys pulled, were they would sit on their front porch and just do nothing. They would drink beer and wouldn't talk to each other, never say hello to the mailman, or even say hi to us if we passed by. I am not even sure if they were people watching, from what it looked like to us, they just sat there in silence and drank beer on the front porch.

One thing my friend and I had pretty much agreed on as kids was that if a ball went over the fence in their back yard, it was gone, there was no retrieving it. For one, the fence was at least seven feet high, and the boards were so close together so you couldn't see what the fuck was in their back-yard. Our parents had pretty much warned us not to go over there, claiming their back-yard might have broken glass or worse yet, the brothers might catch us. This became that house on the street that kids would dare each other to go ring the doorbell, but no one would, or could because they'd be on the porch drinking beer.

For years, we had successfully avoided tossing a ball over the fence until one summer evening when we were in high school, (it was a basketball, not sure anymore about the particulars on how the ball sailed over the fence). In any case we ruled out knocking on their door to ask if we could get our ball back. At this point in our lives we had already believed in the stories we were either told by people or telling other kids, (I want to say at this point we were fairly convinced that they were cannibals and had a torture chamber in the basement, I want to say we saw The Texas Chainsaw Massacre that summer).

Now, we could have left the ball over there, but this was the the basketball. This ball had been used by the two of us in every important basketball game since we were 10-years old. Every game of one-on-one, horse, or around the world, this ball was used, and we were going to be damned if we were going to let it go that easily. So, we decided we were going to get the ball back at any cost....sort of.

We determined it would be foolish for both of us to hop over the fence, cos if we both got caught, we would both be dead. We figured whoever was going over had exactly one minute to locate the ball and one minute to get back. But who was going over? We decided to settle it democratically. We shot for it. We decided to use the spare basketball (this ball really sucked, no grip, leather peeling off, virtually no bounce), and played a game of horse so to speak. First person to miss a shot was going over.

For some reason at that moment we both turned into Mich Richmond (I always thought he was a phenomenal shooting guard) We were both intentionally trying for impossible shots, Behind the hoop, in the bushes in the corner, behind the gate that led to the back yard, we would make sink every single shot. It was like fate was trying to tell us not to go over to that house. But, sadly, someone had to lose...me.

So, I got a boost from my friend and over the fence I went. I landed on the ground with a thud and, I can't even make this shit up, possibly three feet from avoiding was am open bear trap! These fuckers had open traps littered throughout their back-yard. Not only that, but a few traps had manged to catch at least one rabbit and two squirrles. If that wasn't scary enough, their back-yard looked like that scene in The Hills Have Eyes where the guy goes roaming around area with the parked cars and there is all this shit just laying around. Boxes, pieces of metal, bicycles that had no wheels, tools, I was honestly prepared to find a dead body.

After my initial shock and watching my step, I somehow saw the coveted orange spehere just ahead of me in a vacant spot in the un-mowed grass. I quickly navigated my way towards the ball, extremely cautious of any open traps and reached down to pick up the ball. As I raised my body and looked towards the back of he house I saw the old man. Just standing in front of the back door with a grizzly unkempt beard, faded green baseball hat, ratty and stained blue-jeans and red t-shirt. He didn't say a word or make a any facial expression, his hands calmly at his side. My eyes widened with horror and my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.

Now, what I did, goes against all logic and it was purely instinctive. On my right was the seven-foot fence. On my left was another seven foot fence. However, straight across of me was yes, the old man and behind him a house with a torture chamber hidden in the basement, but to the left of the house was a clearing with no fence whatsoever, in fact, I could see their front yard which led to the road.

I tucked the basketball under one arm like a runningback in football and put my head down and sprinted for that clearing, screaming my head off. There may have only been four other times in life I ran faster than that. I wasn't stopping for anything, no defensive line would have ever brought me down, in that instince, I was like Mike Alstot when he was in his prime for Tampa Bay. I could have ran though a brick wall I was going so fast and hard.

I didn't look to my right at all, I avoided all eye contact with the old man, just kept my head down, screamed as loud as I could and ran for it. I got past their house and yard and onto the front road in Chris Johnson 40-yard dash time, I made a quick cut to my right and continued to run into my friends yard. I dropped the ball and yelled that we had to get inside. We both ran inside the house, locked the doors and I recounted what I had seen in their back-yard.

The old man, or his son never came over, never told my friends parents that we were in his yard, nothing was sad. When I think back on that, I still find that the back-yard was totally fucking bizarre, the fact that the guy just stood there was creepy. However, blazing through a yard full of traps might have been one of the top five worst decisions I had ever made at that point in life.

We told that story to friends of ours during that summer, and none of our friends really believed us. They would dare each other, or worse, we would dare them to go into that back yard, but no one ever did.

The 1988 film The Unnambale starts out with a dare, but doesn't end so well. The Unnamable was based off of a short story from H.P. Lovecraft that finds a woman in the 1800's that gives birth to a monster that kills it's family and is forever banished to live in the house.

Fast forward to 1988 and house is located near some snooty college and the whole monster thing is now kind of a weird legend. The legend is kept alive by student Randolph Carter, who does his best impersenation of every or any Sherlock Holmes figure. (actually he reminded me a lot of the character Agent Cooper from the Twin Peaks series). Carter tells his chums Joel and the bumbling freshman Howard (never explained why this goofball freshman is hanging out with two seniors) this tale. Joel doesn't believe him, and on a dare decides to spend the night at the house.

Well you guess it, legend is true and he dies. When he doesn't arrive the next morning Howard becomes frantic and attempts to convince Carter that they should go to the home and check on Joel. Carter, is convinced that Joel is pulling a prank and wants nothing to do with it.

Enter in Wendy and Tanya, Tanya has a crush on Howard, however Howard has a thing for Wendy, Wendy wants nothing to do with Howard (I hope you got all that). Wendy is actually kind of a bitch and convinces Tanya to accompany her and two frat guys, Bruce and John, on a field trip to before mentioned house because the frat guys tell them that is where a sorority the girls are planning on pledging is going to be doing their initiations. Apparently, the guys were going to show them were all the pranks were going to be.

As the gang heads to the home, Howard finally convinces Carter, who has been doing tons of reading in the library about folk tales to go up to the house. With the monster on the loose, it's now up to Carter and the witless Howard to save the day.

The rest of this $350,000 budgeted flick contains a killer, shrieking yetti, trees that save the day, and Wendy only showing one breast (seriously, they take the time to do this elaborate scene where frat boy John gets the blouse off, but only reveals one breast? Where was the second one? Not to make it an issue, but than there were wardrobe malfunctions throughout the rest of the flick where the right breast was only shown).

The Necronomicon also makes an appearance. If that name sounds familiar you would be correct, on more levels than you would imagine. For most of us, the Necronomicon first appeared in the Evil Dead series. A book bound in flesh and inked in blood, contained burial rituals and demon resurrection incantations. If the dead were ever to get a hold of it, the living would be in some serious shit.

So, that would be where most of us would know the Necronomicon from. However, it's actually in a lot pieces of pop culture. Just by doing a google search, here are some other places where this dastardly evil book have appeared. In T.V shows such as The Simpsons and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Other films such as Cast a Deadly Spell. Video games like Max Payne and Quest for Glory: Shadows of Darkness (I owned this game and it was extremely fucking difficult and I never did beat it because there was an error in the game...never knew how it ended, but I totally remember the part about the Necronomicon). Also, it appears in pieces of music, mostly metal bands such as Iron Maiden and Metalica, but also the rapper Tech N9ne (apparently the song is about making a Christian read the Necronomicon to their kids on Christmas)

The idea of the book actually came from H.P Lovecraft, so it actually does fit this film, since the movie is based off of his story.

Believe it or not, three years later there was a sequel to this movie, with an even bigger budget (I believe they had a million bucks to work with). But, I have to wonder if they start off again with a group of kids daring each other to go near the house. I don't look back to often on that day the basketball went over the fence. When I relive it in my mind and see the old man just staring at me, I think of all the ways that scenario could have ended badly. I am just glad no one ever took us up on our dare to sneak in their back yard....those bear traps in the back could have seriously fucked someone up.